Well Wednesday started with a visit to the dentist! Hehe I have never had an overwhelming love for going there but I don't hate it like I here so many people do. I got the check up and I have a few cavities but it is nothing that cant be fixed. They were all very nice people there so I think they have my business for a good long time now.
I had testing for school today. I did oh so very well on that. Honors English and reading and tested strait into college math. I am really happy about that! Sounds funny but I cannot wait to take my first test in my first class.
Kathrine ended up coming over to take care of her computer. There are still viruses lurking about. Nasty little things that wont go away. Her school needs to completely wipe her Mac and start from scratch. Of course this means if she does not back up her files that she looses them. That also means if she backs up the wrong files she will still have the virus. So a long process of picking through her computer is inevitable.
While that was happening I took off to go find out what classes I would be taking for fall. I also had a stack of paper work that needed to be done but that was buzzed through fast enough. I ended up choosing Astronomy and Sociology. The list was very short...shorter than the last time I had looked. These two classes will interest me greatly so I am very happy with the choices. I am only a half time student but with everything that is going on for me I think that is just fine.
After I go back Kathrine and I talked about the conversation that was to be had that night between Tim, herself and I. So many good things were said. It made me feel very comfortable with what was going to happen.
She took off to have dinner with Tim and I cleaned and moved items around until it was time to take off for the Lock Up. While there I got a lot accomplished. Kathrine and Tim showed up when they were done to help. By then I had finished but it was a good thing they were there because it led to the rest of the night and Kathrine gave me a painting of hers I have always loved<3 Tim seemed so awkward as we were at the lock up. I wanted things to go smoother between us but I guess that would be expecting a lot.
We all headed out to Coon Rapids to have our talk. It was obvious that no one wanted the conversation but it was one that has been needed to be had for so long.
To be honest I don't remember a lot of it. I remember all they key points well enough but there was a lot of emotion and it swirled my thoughts like a whirlpool. Everything that needed to be addressed last night was talked about. Everything is the way it needs to be now. However there were casualties of the talk. Tim, he did the best he could. I don't fault him for that. Some of the things he said were not appropriate and some misdirected the conversation and others focused on completely wrong parts such as the words that were being used. But I know he is a good man. I know that was just stress. I understand where he was coming from and I don't fault him. I hope we may even become friends in the future. I would like that a lot. Only time will tell. The biggest casualty was with Kathrine and I though. During the conversation there was a time when I reached out to hold her hand and she would have nothing to do with it. There was also another miscommunication with terms and points of view. When I tried to reach out to correct the miscommunication I had realized that had taken place right after the words left my mouth she pulled away. Nothing has ever hurt as much as reaching out to help and comfort and to have her pull away like that. I understood the reasons. I don't want to be mistaken. That hurt is not there now. It lasted only the moment that we were talking about it but I felt so bad that it had to happen. The conversation was worth what took place. I know it was but I did feel very alone at that point and I truly hope that never has to happen again.
After Tim left she crawled into bed with me and we talked more about what had happened. How that situation is now utterly and totally in the past where it needs to be. We also talked about how burnt out we were. We have been at this for so long setting so many things right. It has been so stressful to both of us but now it is done. It is all behind us. We no longer need to think of it as happening but as happened. We are at the point where we begin to heal after all of this for more than a week at a time. Our future is in front of us with none of the previous boundaries. In the months to come we will become so much stronger as individuals and as a couple as we start dating and making our relationship the one we have always dreamed of.
The pain and the stress is behind us. All that is left to do is to walk unimpaired to our goals.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
A good day for my blood pressure
Well it was my Friday at work today. Fridays always go by quickly for me. Just knowing that the end of the week is approaching makes the hours easier to count.
I called time while I was on lunch to try to finally clear the air and move past that discomfort that has been there for so long. I never did get a call back though. Perhaps he is like me and responds well to messages but rarely checks his voice mail...especially with unknown numbers. I can't wait to just sit down and talk with the man. I have heard so many good thing that I think there is a good chance we could even become friends. Only time will tell.
After work was the usual Buddy time followed by a shower. Ever since I had heard that Kathrine was moving here things I had been planing how to move mine as well. I decided that I needed to send a text message and get this rolling. I was afraid it might push her away or give her the wrong idea but I saw no other way to get this done other than direct contact.
Later at her place I had arrived a bit early so I ended up talking with her grandmother and reading until she got home. When she got home we hugged and began talking about how things were going for each of us. Talking felt so good. Kathrine has always been such a good friend and the way we interact is just seamless. It is a good feeling to have. Soon enough we were sitting down eating some very fantastic lasagna...god I love that stuff. Dinner was followed by a trip to the neighbors to play with "fluffy" to encourage her to eat and to give her some much needed attention.
When we decided it was time we jumped in my car to take off to the storage area. On the way there she helped me with something I had been dealing with for a few days already. The knowledge that my parents had a miscarriage before they had me and that if they had that child that I would not be alive today. The feelings around that were full of pain and confusion about what I should be feeling. Kathrine helped me through that with a simple touch and some very simple but wise words. The fact that it came from her meant all the more to me.
By the time we got up to our level of the building there was so much emotional turmoil in my heart built up already. Then we opened the door and Kathrines things had been brought to the front and mine to the back. The DvDs and books had already been sorted though and all that was left was to move it. I wont lie, at that point my heart started to break almost completely. For so long I have known that this progress has been needed on both sides and all the hardship and impact that includes when it comes to our long standing relationship. I was making so much progress for myself but this whole time my heart had been breaking because I was unsure that there would ever be an "us" again. Seeing those DvDs split started to cement the idea that maybe there would never be another trip to the arboretum, we would never make dinner together again, we would never go up to the cabin and marvel at the stars that could be seen from the dock, never sleep in each others arms and most importantly I would never see that smile of hers and feel the warmth of her body as we hugged.
Right about that time she came up behind me and embraced me asking if everything was alright. We sat down and I explained that I thought everything that we were going through was happening just as it needed to be except for the pain involved, the unsure feelings and the distraction it was causing. She stopped me soon after, we stood up and embraced and she told me that she loved me. What followed was a release of tension and even pain that I was unsure would ever come. I remember going downstairs to grab a cart and I could not stop laughing. An overwhelming weight had been lifted from my chest and my body did not know how to react so I laughed and felt the best I have in a very long time. Then she scared me as I got out of the elevator. lol, I loved it. With that weight gone I feel my progress will come even faster and to greater effect. It was like trying to run a marathon with a 50 lb weight on your back.
After we were done with moving we had decided to go see "UP". A movie we had both wanted to see together for a very long time. It was great. Definitely a movie to own in the future.
As we gave our final embrace and kiss for the night I knew everything we have been doing is working just fine. We are doing what needs to be done and doing it right.
The future is ours for the taking.
I called time while I was on lunch to try to finally clear the air and move past that discomfort that has been there for so long. I never did get a call back though. Perhaps he is like me and responds well to messages but rarely checks his voice mail...especially with unknown numbers. I can't wait to just sit down and talk with the man. I have heard so many good thing that I think there is a good chance we could even become friends. Only time will tell.
After work was the usual Buddy time followed by a shower. Ever since I had heard that Kathrine was moving here things I had been planing how to move mine as well. I decided that I needed to send a text message and get this rolling. I was afraid it might push her away or give her the wrong idea but I saw no other way to get this done other than direct contact.
Later at her place I had arrived a bit early so I ended up talking with her grandmother and reading until she got home. When she got home we hugged and began talking about how things were going for each of us. Talking felt so good. Kathrine has always been such a good friend and the way we interact is just seamless. It is a good feeling to have. Soon enough we were sitting down eating some very fantastic lasagna...god I love that stuff. Dinner was followed by a trip to the neighbors to play with "fluffy" to encourage her to eat and to give her some much needed attention.
When we decided it was time we jumped in my car to take off to the storage area. On the way there she helped me with something I had been dealing with for a few days already. The knowledge that my parents had a miscarriage before they had me and that if they had that child that I would not be alive today. The feelings around that were full of pain and confusion about what I should be feeling. Kathrine helped me through that with a simple touch and some very simple but wise words. The fact that it came from her meant all the more to me.
By the time we got up to our level of the building there was so much emotional turmoil in my heart built up already. Then we opened the door and Kathrines things had been brought to the front and mine to the back. The DvDs and books had already been sorted though and all that was left was to move it. I wont lie, at that point my heart started to break almost completely. For so long I have known that this progress has been needed on both sides and all the hardship and impact that includes when it comes to our long standing relationship. I was making so much progress for myself but this whole time my heart had been breaking because I was unsure that there would ever be an "us" again. Seeing those DvDs split started to cement the idea that maybe there would never be another trip to the arboretum, we would never make dinner together again, we would never go up to the cabin and marvel at the stars that could be seen from the dock, never sleep in each others arms and most importantly I would never see that smile of hers and feel the warmth of her body as we hugged.
Right about that time she came up behind me and embraced me asking if everything was alright. We sat down and I explained that I thought everything that we were going through was happening just as it needed to be except for the pain involved, the unsure feelings and the distraction it was causing. She stopped me soon after, we stood up and embraced and she told me that she loved me. What followed was a release of tension and even pain that I was unsure would ever come. I remember going downstairs to grab a cart and I could not stop laughing. An overwhelming weight had been lifted from my chest and my body did not know how to react so I laughed and felt the best I have in a very long time. Then she scared me as I got out of the elevator. lol, I loved it. With that weight gone I feel my progress will come even faster and to greater effect. It was like trying to run a marathon with a 50 lb weight on your back.
After we were done with moving we had decided to go see "UP". A movie we had both wanted to see together for a very long time. It was great. Definitely a movie to own in the future.
As we gave our final embrace and kiss for the night I knew everything we have been doing is working just fine. We are doing what needs to be done and doing it right.
The future is ours for the taking.
Monday, August 31, 2009
School coming into focus
Woke up 15 minutes early on my own for some reason. I took the chance to take Buddy on a nice long morning walk. It is so cold in the morning these days! Fall must be lurking and ready to strike with bright beautiful colors any week now! I plan to go down to the Arboretum and play with water colors when the trees really turn. Anyway rest of the morning was uneventful though typing that comment on your blog and then realizing it needed to be retyped so a person that could read English would understand. Hehe I was so very groggy this morning. I just don't know what it was.
Work ended up being work. Nothing special. Just a generic day. I had my time to think and that is the only thing of note that I can come up with to write about it.
Right after I got back from work I took Buddy out and took a shower. Then it was off to Anoka Ramsey! I walked in and signed my name to talk to an adviser when they had time. I sat for a while reading Kushiel's Chosen until my name was called. A man whose name I cannot remember tried to help me. I started going on about Veterans Benefits and he just stood staring at me. My heart sank. I felt that the people here must know even less than Normandale...and that is not a lot to begin with. Thankfully their VA adviser over heard us and jumped right in. He filled me in on the forms I needed to fill out to get everything transferred. He had me fill out an application on the spot and walked me through all the "Late starting" classes they had available. There were so many. At any rate I have an appointment on Wednesday to choose what classes I will take. Later that day I will buy the books and a few days later classes will begin and I will be on my way to fulfilling yet another of my goals. Tomorrow I plan to really look at my schedule and decide if I can go full time or if it will be a few classes to start out the semester.
I can feel my life coming together and it feels wonderful. The drive I have found over the past month is taking my life to everything I have ever thought it could be.
TKD was great today! It was me and about eight others that were all Black, Red or Purple belts. The biggest grin came over my face when he said that we would be sparing today. I spent 40 minutes locked in combat with all the high ranks around me. I counted points to myself in my head and came out about even for wins and losses. There is a chance a few went easy on me but a gold belt holding his own and not getting trounced by a second den black belt is something to be proud of in my book...granted I did not score many points versus them. I had so much fun not to mention that every muscle in my body hurts with that good work out ache.
Tonight the plan with Face changed and I am off to help Andrew move a few things into his new place. With any luck that will end around 9 or 930. Then I head back home to read a book or whatever peeks my interest until I feel sleepy enough to go to bed.I am so very excited to go to school! hehe yay!
Happy two year Kathrine, sleep well
Work ended up being work. Nothing special. Just a generic day. I had my time to think and that is the only thing of note that I can come up with to write about it.
Right after I got back from work I took Buddy out and took a shower. Then it was off to Anoka Ramsey! I walked in and signed my name to talk to an adviser when they had time. I sat for a while reading Kushiel's Chosen until my name was called. A man whose name I cannot remember tried to help me. I started going on about Veterans Benefits and he just stood staring at me. My heart sank. I felt that the people here must know even less than Normandale...and that is not a lot to begin with. Thankfully their VA adviser over heard us and jumped right in. He filled me in on the forms I needed to fill out to get everything transferred. He had me fill out an application on the spot and walked me through all the "Late starting" classes they had available. There were so many. At any rate I have an appointment on Wednesday to choose what classes I will take. Later that day I will buy the books and a few days later classes will begin and I will be on my way to fulfilling yet another of my goals. Tomorrow I plan to really look at my schedule and decide if I can go full time or if it will be a few classes to start out the semester.
I can feel my life coming together and it feels wonderful. The drive I have found over the past month is taking my life to everything I have ever thought it could be.
TKD was great today! It was me and about eight others that were all Black, Red or Purple belts. The biggest grin came over my face when he said that we would be sparing today. I spent 40 minutes locked in combat with all the high ranks around me. I counted points to myself in my head and came out about even for wins and losses. There is a chance a few went easy on me but a gold belt holding his own and not getting trounced by a second den black belt is something to be proud of in my book...granted I did not score many points versus them. I had so much fun not to mention that every muscle in my body hurts with that good work out ache.
Tonight the plan with Face changed and I am off to help Andrew move a few things into his new place. With any luck that will end around 9 or 930. Then I head back home to read a book or whatever peeks my interest until I feel sleepy enough to go to bed.I am so very excited to go to school! hehe yay!
Happy two year Kathrine, sleep well
Sunday, August 30, 2009
A good day
Started the day out with French Toast! God I love that stuff. Work went well enough again today. I was up on a lift today and time always goes by faster when that happens. While I don't love the job it is a good work out and I get a lot of time to think to myself. I have started trying to analyze my PTSD while I am at work. I spend most of the day deep in thought about it. I know that I have to work through this on my own. While psychiatrists are guides to show you the path, you are the only one that can actually move down it. So during my day I think about where these issues could come from. What specific times of great stress started it all in motion or if it was the experience as a whole. I am not even close to an answer yet but I am dealing with these issues that I have set aside thinking they were un important for too long.
When I got back home I relaxed in the shower for a good long time. It feels so good after a hard days work to get clean and feel the hot water relax your body. Hehe I take two to three showers a day now. After that I cracked open Kushiel's Chosen. I can't wait to see where this book takes the story! It is such a good one and I know as soon as I start I wont be able to put it down.
When I felt it was time Buddy and I got in the car and headed out to Bunker Beach. (The park where we went on that long walk with Buddy and my Mom) We walked for a good twenty minutes till I found a good throwing area without any people. He made it through about 3 tosses before he lost interest. I think it is because he just did not feel well. He LOVED the walk though! So many new smells! We walked for what seemed like hours along winding paths through the woods. Both he and I were tired after we got back to the car ^^
When I got home buddy got his bath. With warm water I might add, did not want him to get cold. Hehe, after I finished he found all the energy in the world and started to run around in his frolicking pouncing run that he does. *smiles* I could not help but call out his theme song a few times.
Oh and there was cleaning of the house. Lots of cleaning.
Now it's time to relax, watch a movie (Mall Cop) and eat my "Whirled Peace" ice cream I so expertly chanced upon.
I can't wait till tomorrow! I called Face up and set time to hang out tomorrow after TKD. He is going to show me around Champlin and introduce me to all the people we saw at the party right after AT! New people is always a good thing.
One more big thing for tomorrow. I am going to the Anoka Collage here tomorrow to talk to a councilor and see if I can not get enrolled in a class or two. I talked to them and they said the chances are good. Looks like I will be a collage boy this semester after all :)
Life is so full of promise for the future.
When I got back home I relaxed in the shower for a good long time. It feels so good after a hard days work to get clean and feel the hot water relax your body. Hehe I take two to three showers a day now. After that I cracked open Kushiel's Chosen. I can't wait to see where this book takes the story! It is such a good one and I know as soon as I start I wont be able to put it down.
When I felt it was time Buddy and I got in the car and headed out to Bunker Beach. (The park where we went on that long walk with Buddy and my Mom) We walked for a good twenty minutes till I found a good throwing area without any people. He made it through about 3 tosses before he lost interest. I think it is because he just did not feel well. He LOVED the walk though! So many new smells! We walked for what seemed like hours along winding paths through the woods. Both he and I were tired after we got back to the car ^^
When I got home buddy got his bath. With warm water I might add, did not want him to get cold. Hehe, after I finished he found all the energy in the world and started to run around in his frolicking pouncing run that he does. *smiles* I could not help but call out his theme song a few times.
Oh and there was cleaning of the house. Lots of cleaning.
Now it's time to relax, watch a movie (Mall Cop) and eat my "Whirled Peace" ice cream I so expertly chanced upon.
I can't wait till tomorrow! I called Face up and set time to hang out tomorrow after TKD. He is going to show me around Champlin and introduce me to all the people we saw at the party right after AT! New people is always a good thing.
One more big thing for tomorrow. I am going to the Anoka Collage here tomorrow to talk to a councilor and see if I can not get enrolled in a class or two. I talked to them and they said the chances are good. Looks like I will be a collage boy this semester after all :)
Life is so full of promise for the future.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Family time
Same old same old as far as waking up today. Shower, walk Buddy, Eat, talk to mom, play with Buddy and then leave for work. It is the same as ever but I really think that routine is really helping me a lot in the morning. Five AM is not the best time for variety. Work went by fast today. I spent the day up on a lift and it is always a fun time driving those around.
I ended up going home for lunch. My brother left for school in South Dakota today and it was not easy for my mom. It was hard for me too. Over the last week we have come really far as brothers and I only see us getting closer in the future. I made it a point to be home when he left so she would have a shoulder to lean on. I was only able to be home for ten minutes but that was enough time to eat and say good bye. After getting back to work she sent me a text letting me know how important it was to here that I was there with her when Brad left.
After getting home I at some crackers and talked with my mom again. Since then I have been working out and running with buddy. He is doing much better in the week that we have been running. I am so happy for him and the fact that he is becoming more and more fit right along side me. It always helps to have a work out partner...mine just has a bit more hair than most.
I am also concerned about him. He is itching like mad and looks like he might start to be getting sick. When Debbie asked me about him last night and found out about this she recommended benadryle. I plan to get some tonight and do research to see how much I should give him. I also plan to give him a bath tonight in that oatmeal shampoo to see if that sooths his itching skin and if he is not looking better in the next few days I plan to take him into the vet.
As for tonight, I plan to spend it with my mother. Not only will it help her with Brad leaving but the relationship that is growing between us is amazing. I never thought this could happen. This is such a large slow down from the pace I have been keeping that I feel guilty about it. This new relationship with my mother however, is extremely important to me and it is hard to spend quality time with someone when you are antsy to get to the next thing. So tonight I am taking off. We are going to Chipotle for a quick bite then it is off to Blockbuster to pick out a movie for the night.
Oh and before I forget! I have been informed by Van that I am to accompany him and as many people as he can bring together to the Chatter Box pub some time in the very near future. More to come on that when he gets back from Atlanta.
Tonight will be a good one, I can feel it already.
I ended up going home for lunch. My brother left for school in South Dakota today and it was not easy for my mom. It was hard for me too. Over the last week we have come really far as brothers and I only see us getting closer in the future. I made it a point to be home when he left so she would have a shoulder to lean on. I was only able to be home for ten minutes but that was enough time to eat and say good bye. After getting back to work she sent me a text letting me know how important it was to here that I was there with her when Brad left.
After getting home I at some crackers and talked with my mom again. Since then I have been working out and running with buddy. He is doing much better in the week that we have been running. I am so happy for him and the fact that he is becoming more and more fit right along side me. It always helps to have a work out partner...mine just has a bit more hair than most.
I am also concerned about him. He is itching like mad and looks like he might start to be getting sick. When Debbie asked me about him last night and found out about this she recommended benadryle. I plan to get some tonight and do research to see how much I should give him. I also plan to give him a bath tonight in that oatmeal shampoo to see if that sooths his itching skin and if he is not looking better in the next few days I plan to take him into the vet.
As for tonight, I plan to spend it with my mother. Not only will it help her with Brad leaving but the relationship that is growing between us is amazing. I never thought this could happen. This is such a large slow down from the pace I have been keeping that I feel guilty about it. This new relationship with my mother however, is extremely important to me and it is hard to spend quality time with someone when you are antsy to get to the next thing. So tonight I am taking off. We are going to Chipotle for a quick bite then it is off to Blockbuster to pick out a movie for the night.
Oh and before I forget! I have been informed by Van that I am to accompany him and as many people as he can bring together to the Chatter Box pub some time in the very near future. More to come on that when he gets back from Atlanta.
Tonight will be a good one, I can feel it already.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Friday
Short and sweet.
I got to have lunch with my mother today. I am really grateful that I am getting another chance to see in her what I couldn't before. I never thought I would be able to be close with my parents again but it is happening. I am so very happy about that.
I got to see Kathrine dance tonight. I have been looking forward to it for so long and was not dissapointed. Keep it up! You are doing great!
I got to have lunch with my mother today. I am really grateful that I am getting another chance to see in her what I couldn't before. I never thought I would be able to be close with my parents again but it is happening. I am so very happy about that.
I got to see Kathrine dance tonight. I have been looking forward to it for so long and was not dissapointed. Keep it up! You are doing great!
Thursday, August 27, 2009
End to the weekend part 2
Well after my last post and my romp with Buddy I decided to take some relaxing time...kinda. I watched "The guild" until the end of the second season while reading the Anoka enrichment catalog. There are so many classes that I want to take that I decided for now to take some time to think about what to focus on. I am so busy that finding time this fall will be difficult but I know I will do it.
After relaxing I set up a dental appointment to get my teeth looked at. I snagged an early time of 8am for the appointment. The hoops I have to jump through for the military on this are ridiculous. Alas it needs to be done though.
That was about the time my Dad pushed the dinner back...I really thought he would cancel. Finding myself with more time I decided to continue to read my book (Game of Thrones). I also hung out with my brother a lot and that felt really good to start to get to know him again. He is a great guy.
Soon enough 6pm rolled around and I found myself with my brother at Famous Daves in Uptown. I can even begin to describe the empathy I have for my father. The man started on top of the world. He was a branch manager for Chemlawn and after that a route manager for G&K. At some point he started his own business and that went really well for him until he got a DUI and could not longer operate his business. When that happened all the money from his 401k that he had used to start it went down the hole. Shortly after he loses his wife. Imagine being together with someone for about 30 years and then that base of your life is ripped away. Then his kids move away. He loses his shitty job that he was at least making a little money at. When he lost the job the last of his friends disappeared. He is now alone in Minneapolis with nothing but the money he has from the selling of the house. His life fell through his fingers...He is so sad and depressed every day and misses his old life terribly. How do you wrap your mind around a new reality like that and to know that more than likely there will be no second chance at Love, Money or even a cohesive family. His life for all intensive purposes is over. It tears at my heart to think about.
We did talk while we were with him about many things but one thing that hurt to bring up for me was Debbie and your Grandmother. I told him how they think losing out on those semesters of school were my choice and that since the army provided these benefits that they would obviously support anyone who wanted to use them. It hurts so much to hear that from them. The army is a service that I raised my hand an volunteered for. I have sacrificed so much in the service of my country and it hurts to think that goes un-noticed. For them to think that I dropped out of class because I did not like it hurts so much. Not only does my sacrifice go un-noticed but it is misinterpreted as an act of laziness and incompetence. I wanted to help them understand so badly but I think nothing I said got through. They have been judging me for so long without ever coming to me to clarify anything that I am not sure there is anything I could say. It makes the sacrifice almost unbearable.
***************************************EDIT*****************************************
I wanted to delete everything below this but I think it is important that this moment of weakness is not forgotten. That it is part of the story of my life. So here it will remain.
The pain of that, seeing my father like he is and most imposing the withdrawals from Kathrine make everything so hard. I just want the pain to stop. Yesterday I was alright for most of the day and I think it was because I was so damn busy. I thought to myself "You can do this! The life you will get will be worth it!" I still believe that but it does not lessen the pain any. Now night comes and I am left to torture myself with my own thoughts. I need the feeling the my heart is missing to go away...and I know it wont. Not any time soon at least. I don't think it will go away until the day comes when I can hold you in my arms again without fear. I know the order of things and how and why they need to unfold for us to be together in the long run. I really do. But this pain will not end until we can embrace and whisper to each other that we love each other. We don't even need to be dating. I understand that it is important for us to build what we will have in the future from the ground up and that dating again is the way to do that.
But I love you now, I have loved you for the past two years and I will love you as we go thru this. We can build our life together again but we can't start over with love again. I don't think It is possible. From our first date together some time in the future I will love you just as fiercely as I ever have. Even now as we stay separated for the most part there is love between us. I know we can make this less painful if we don't try and hide it. That we recognise the need to be apart now but that we love each other dearly. Whether we say it or not it is there. I think most of the pain is coming from not being able to admit it. I don't think voicing a feeling you have anyway will change anything either. Whether you say it or not it is still there. Do we have to go the route of pain? We can do this without that right? Have that love but be apart and grow at the same time? It makes sense to me. It would make me gleeful for this time we have before we meet again in the future if the love was vocalized. But right now it is not and it is hidden away...it makes this road so hard to walk in that uncertain shadow.
Let me know what you think. I love you and I refuse to hide it. I promise not to interfere with your growth and your time alone right now but I love you and I can't keep feeling this pain by hiding it. I hope you feel the same way on this. And that it makes sense to you as well.
After relaxing I set up a dental appointment to get my teeth looked at. I snagged an early time of 8am for the appointment. The hoops I have to jump through for the military on this are ridiculous. Alas it needs to be done though.
That was about the time my Dad pushed the dinner back...I really thought he would cancel. Finding myself with more time I decided to continue to read my book (Game of Thrones). I also hung out with my brother a lot and that felt really good to start to get to know him again. He is a great guy.
Soon enough 6pm rolled around and I found myself with my brother at Famous Daves in Uptown. I can even begin to describe the empathy I have for my father. The man started on top of the world. He was a branch manager for Chemlawn and after that a route manager for G&K. At some point he started his own business and that went really well for him until he got a DUI and could not longer operate his business. When that happened all the money from his 401k that he had used to start it went down the hole. Shortly after he loses his wife. Imagine being together with someone for about 30 years and then that base of your life is ripped away. Then his kids move away. He loses his shitty job that he was at least making a little money at. When he lost the job the last of his friends disappeared. He is now alone in Minneapolis with nothing but the money he has from the selling of the house. His life fell through his fingers...He is so sad and depressed every day and misses his old life terribly. How do you wrap your mind around a new reality like that and to know that more than likely there will be no second chance at Love, Money or even a cohesive family. His life for all intensive purposes is over. It tears at my heart to think about.
We did talk while we were with him about many things but one thing that hurt to bring up for me was Debbie and your Grandmother. I told him how they think losing out on those semesters of school were my choice and that since the army provided these benefits that they would obviously support anyone who wanted to use them. It hurts so much to hear that from them. The army is a service that I raised my hand an volunteered for. I have sacrificed so much in the service of my country and it hurts to think that goes un-noticed. For them to think that I dropped out of class because I did not like it hurts so much. Not only does my sacrifice go un-noticed but it is misinterpreted as an act of laziness and incompetence. I wanted to help them understand so badly but I think nothing I said got through. They have been judging me for so long without ever coming to me to clarify anything that I am not sure there is anything I could say. It makes the sacrifice almost unbearable.
***************************************EDIT*****************************************
I wanted to delete everything below this but I think it is important that this moment of weakness is not forgotten. That it is part of the story of my life. So here it will remain.
The pain of that, seeing my father like he is and most imposing the withdrawals from Kathrine make everything so hard. I just want the pain to stop. Yesterday I was alright for most of the day and I think it was because I was so damn busy. I thought to myself "You can do this! The life you will get will be worth it!" I still believe that but it does not lessen the pain any. Now night comes and I am left to torture myself with my own thoughts. I need the feeling the my heart is missing to go away...and I know it wont. Not any time soon at least. I don't think it will go away until the day comes when I can hold you in my arms again without fear. I know the order of things and how and why they need to unfold for us to be together in the long run. I really do. But this pain will not end until we can embrace and whisper to each other that we love each other. We don't even need to be dating. I understand that it is important for us to build what we will have in the future from the ground up and that dating again is the way to do that.
But I love you now, I have loved you for the past two years and I will love you as we go thru this. We can build our life together again but we can't start over with love again. I don't think It is possible. From our first date together some time in the future I will love you just as fiercely as I ever have. Even now as we stay separated for the most part there is love between us. I know we can make this less painful if we don't try and hide it. That we recognise the need to be apart now but that we love each other dearly. Whether we say it or not it is there. I think most of the pain is coming from not being able to admit it. I don't think voicing a feeling you have anyway will change anything either. Whether you say it or not it is still there. Do we have to go the route of pain? We can do this without that right? Have that love but be apart and grow at the same time? It makes sense to me. It would make me gleeful for this time we have before we meet again in the future if the love was vocalized. But right now it is not and it is hidden away...it makes this road so hard to walk in that uncertain shadow.
Let me know what you think. I love you and I refuse to hide it. I promise not to interfere with your growth and your time alone right now but I love you and I can't keep feeling this pain by hiding it. I hope you feel the same way on this. And that it makes sense to you as well.
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