End to the weekend part 2

Well after my last post and my romp with Buddy I decided to take some relaxing time...kinda. I watched "The guild" until the end of the second season while reading the Anoka enrichment catalog. There are so many classes that I want to take that I decided for now to take some time to think about what to focus on. I am so busy that finding time this fall will be difficult but I know I will do it.

After relaxing I set up a dental appointment to get my teeth looked at. I snagged an early time of 8am for the appointment. The hoops I have to jump through for the military on this are ridiculous. Alas it needs to be done though.

That was about the time my Dad pushed the dinner back...I really thought he would cancel. Finding myself with more time I decided to continue to read my book (Game of Thrones). I also hung out with my brother a lot and that felt really good to start to get to know him again. He is a great guy.

Soon enough 6pm rolled around and I found myself with my brother at Famous Daves in Uptown. I can even begin to describe the empathy I have for my father. The man started on top of the world. He was a branch manager for Chemlawn and after that a route manager for G&K. At some point he started his own business and that went really well for him until he got a DUI and could not longer operate his business. When that happened all the money from his 401k that he had used to start it went down the hole. Shortly after he loses his wife. Imagine being together with someone for about 30 years and then that base of your life is ripped away. Then his kids move away. He loses his shitty job that he was at least making a little money at. When he lost the job the last of his friends disappeared. He is now alone in Minneapolis with nothing but the money he has from the selling of the house. His life fell through his fingers...He is so sad and depressed every day and misses his old life terribly. How do you wrap your mind around a new reality like that and to know that more than likely there will be no second chance at Love, Money or even a cohesive family. His life for all intensive purposes is over. It tears at my heart to think about.

We did talk while we were with him about many things but one thing that hurt to bring up for me was Debbie and your Grandmother. I told him how they think losing out on those semesters of school were my choice and that since the army provided these benefits that they would obviously support anyone who wanted to use them. It hurts so much to hear that from them. The army is a service that I raised my hand an volunteered for. I have sacrificed so much in the service of my country and it hurts to think that goes un-noticed. For them to think that I dropped out of class because I did not like it hurts so much. Not only does my sacrifice go un-noticed but it is misinterpreted as an act of laziness and incompetence. I wanted to help them understand so badly but I think nothing I said got through. They have been judging me for so long without ever coming to me to clarify anything that I am not sure there is anything I could say. It makes the sacrifice almost unbearable.






***************************************EDIT*****************************************

I wanted to delete everything below this but I think it is important that this moment of weakness is not forgotten. That it is part of the story of my life. So here it will remain.






The pain of that, seeing my father like he is and most imposing the withdrawals from Kathrine make everything so hard. I just want the pain to stop. Yesterday I was alright for most of the day and I think it was because I was so damn busy. I thought to myself "You can do this! The life you will get will be worth it!" I still believe that but it does not lessen the pain any. Now night comes and I am left to torture myself with my own thoughts. I need the feeling the my heart is missing to go away...and I know it wont. Not any time soon at least. I don't think it will go away until the day comes when I can hold you in my arms again without fear. I know the order of things and how and why they need to unfold for us to be together in the long run. I really do. But this pain will not end until we can embrace and whisper to each other that we love each other. We don't even need to be dating. I understand that it is important for us to build what we will have in the future from the ground up and that dating again is the way to do that.

But I love you now, I have loved you for the past two years and I will love you as we go thru this. We can build our life together again but we can't start over with love again. I don't think It is possible. From our first date together some time in the future I will love you just as fiercely as I ever have. Even now as we stay separated for the most part there is love between us. I know we can make this less painful if we don't try and hide it. That we recognise the need to be apart now but that we love each other dearly. Whether we say it or not it is there. I think most of the pain is coming from not being able to admit it. I don't think voicing a feeling you have anyway will change anything either. Whether you say it or not it is still there. Do we have to go the route of pain? We can do this without that right? Have that love but be apart and grow at the same time? It makes sense to me. It would make me gleeful for this time we have before we meet again in the future if the love was vocalized. But right now it is not and it is hidden away...it makes this road so hard to walk in that uncertain shadow.

Let me know what you think. I love you and I refuse to hide it. I promise not to interfere with your growth and your time alone right now but I love you and I can't keep feeling this pain by hiding it. I hope you feel the same way on this. And that it makes sense to you as well.