The transformation begins.

For so long I had been fearing this. My lover, my best friend, my better half, my strongest support, my joy, my life...lol and yes more often then not my short term memory has been removed from the equation. If you were to tell anyone on the planet these things will be no longer available to you shortly I believe their reaction would be similar to mine. Panic, fear and confusion have racked my life for the past two and a half weeks. It no longer does. While the void that is in my life right now will not simply go away and nor should it but the violent throws of pain that came with removing that major part of my life no longer cripple my day to day life. I no longer count the seconds as hours wondering to myself "Is life even worth continuing any longer?". The answer is yes. For so long I have shown the love of my life, my family and myself, a good man that has made lazy and inappropriate decisions. Most pain I feel daily stems from the guilt that I have not been true to myself. I feel I have let myself down more than anything else. I cannot and will not stand for that. Those choices are not "me". Those choices do not reflect who I am as a lover, a provider and as a man. The events of the past weeks have ripped my out of a day to day cycle that I have been living for far too long. While the bad has been removed...the good has also dissapeared. It hurts so very much but it needed to happen. To build myself and the relationship that I want every trace of what was must be removed and construction must begin anew. I am not saying that this needs to lead me in a different direction because there need to be goals to construction. Without goals construction is pointless. My goals are to grow into the man I want and need to be to find happiness within myself. I also want to build my "dream" relationship. These are my goals and I have been spurred on and motivated to achieve them like I have never before been in my life. I feel super human, I feel like I can and will take on the world to make it my own. I am going to make my life everything I have ever dreamed. These things start today. I have plans to bring my debt under control, I will begin saving for my future that I know will be full of love, I will revive friendships that I let fade to the background, I will explore new friendships, I will pursue my physical and mental fitness, I am going to be taking enrichment classes to better myself, I will begin to research and prepare for school in the spring, I will nurture my creative side to grow and expand by taking up drawing and guitar again, I am going to start volunteering, I am going to repair relationships with my family, I am going to stop taking buddy for granted and give him the life I know he deserves to the best of my ability right now, I am going to be learning either Japanese or aribic when I have the money to purchase Rosetta Stone, I am going to buy more clothes to properly reflect my maturity level not my sexual appeal though clothes of that nature will be bought anyway...good for the self esteem, I am going to read all the books I have been putting off and in every facet of my life down to the smallest detail I will always be asking myself "Is this action supporting who you are as a person?".

The construction begins today and I am going to build something beautiful.