I got a call back this morning around 8am from my VA claim rep. He informed me that he would be in the office all day today and that he would be glad to take care of my medical files. Thinking to my self that there is no time like the present I drove out there and met with him. While copying my files we talked about the rest of the process. Apparently here in about the next two weeks I will have an appointment to get my back and arm looked at. After those are complete all that is left is the final evaluation and rating of my file. The outcome looks promising. With any luck by the end of September this will be completely taken care of.
When the meeting was done I realized I was right next to the VA medical center. I decided it was time to start addressing my PTSD issues and to stop trying to power through it. I want desperately to do this with Kathrine but that is just not an option right now and this can't wait.
As I write this I am thinking about what I saw Kathrine post. I know I am doing too much right now and that there is no way I should keep this pace up. I feel though that this is the most important time in my life. All the bad habits I have developed need to be striped away. I feel the only way to do that is to follow this new found drive I have to the fullest for as long as I can. I am mentally tough and know I can keep this up long enough to develop these things into habits and then I will settle into my new way of thinking for the long run. It takes about 21 days to develop a habit or to break one. I know I can do this. The drive that fills me to become the man I know I am gives me the strength and the eagerness to go on. However there is another perhaps even more powerful reason that drives me. It is the pain of losing Kathrine and the guilt knowing I had so much to do with it. That pain drives me to take my life and to make my life everything I have ever dreamed it could be. When I am on my death bed and look back I will smile knowing that I lived my life the way I wanted to live it and never settled for anything other than the best I could be.
I started making these changes around the 12th or the 13th when I realized what I knew my future needed to become. It is now the 27th. Being at it for 15 days at this break neck pace has worn me out. But the 21 day mark becomes ever closer with every hour. While there is no way I can say that I am the person I want to be for the rest of my life after 21 days I do believe it to be a critical hump. Everything after that is just cementing what I have started and after around 50-60 days that it will become second nature. Even then I will not have reached the pinnacle of my development for becoming who I know I am but I think it is the most important time in the development. Never should anyone ever stop growing nor will I. In the end this hard charge will net me the basic foundation I need to become the man I want and know I am for the rest of my life.
Well, off to play with buddy. I will post more tonight^^
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I do really want to join you in the near future with your PTSD meetings. It really means a lot to me that you want to include me in it. But I also think that this is a good time to build a foundation of progress on your own two feet first. Like Master Mehdi said last night, we must take care of ourselves and do what is good for us first before we take on other people. Do this for yourself before you do it for me because that's the most important thing.
ReplyDeleteI can see good habits are forming and making themselves solid in you already. it feels good doesn't it? Keep it up! I'm cheering for you, for us.