Woke up 15 minutes early on my own for some reason. I took the chance to take Buddy on a nice long morning walk. It is so cold in the morning these days! Fall must be lurking and ready to strike with bright beautiful colors any week now! I plan to go down to the Arboretum and play with water colors when the trees really turn. Anyway rest of the morning was uneventful though typing that comment on your blog and then realizing it needed to be retyped so a person that could read English would understand. Hehe I was so very groggy this morning. I just don't know what it was.
Work ended up being work. Nothing special. Just a generic day. I had my time to think and that is the only thing of note that I can come up with to write about it.
Right after I got back from work I took Buddy out and took a shower. Then it was off to Anoka Ramsey! I walked in and signed my name to talk to an adviser when they had time. I sat for a while reading Kushiel's Chosen until my name was called. A man whose name I cannot remember tried to help me. I started going on about Veterans Benefits and he just stood staring at me. My heart sank. I felt that the people here must know even less than Normandale...and that is not a lot to begin with. Thankfully their VA adviser over heard us and jumped right in. He filled me in on the forms I needed to fill out to get everything transferred. He had me fill out an application on the spot and walked me through all the "Late starting" classes they had available. There were so many. At any rate I have an appointment on Wednesday to choose what classes I will take. Later that day I will buy the books and a few days later classes will begin and I will be on my way to fulfilling yet another of my goals. Tomorrow I plan to really look at my schedule and decide if I can go full time or if it will be a few classes to start out the semester.
I can feel my life coming together and it feels wonderful. The drive I have found over the past month is taking my life to everything I have ever thought it could be.
TKD was great today! It was me and about eight others that were all Black, Red or Purple belts. The biggest grin came over my face when he said that we would be sparing today. I spent 40 minutes locked in combat with all the high ranks around me. I counted points to myself in my head and came out about even for wins and losses. There is a chance a few went easy on me but a gold belt holding his own and not getting trounced by a second den black belt is something to be proud of in my book...granted I did not score many points versus them. I had so much fun not to mention that every muscle in my body hurts with that good work out ache.
Tonight the plan with Face changed and I am off to help Andrew move a few things into his new place. With any luck that will end around 9 or 930. Then I head back home to read a book or whatever peeks my interest until I feel sleepy enough to go to bed.I am so very excited to go to school! hehe yay!
Happy two year Kathrine, sleep well
Monday, August 31, 2009
Sunday, August 30, 2009
A good day
Started the day out with French Toast! God I love that stuff. Work went well enough again today. I was up on a lift today and time always goes by faster when that happens. While I don't love the job it is a good work out and I get a lot of time to think to myself. I have started trying to analyze my PTSD while I am at work. I spend most of the day deep in thought about it. I know that I have to work through this on my own. While psychiatrists are guides to show you the path, you are the only one that can actually move down it. So during my day I think about where these issues could come from. What specific times of great stress started it all in motion or if it was the experience as a whole. I am not even close to an answer yet but I am dealing with these issues that I have set aside thinking they were un important for too long.
When I got back home I relaxed in the shower for a good long time. It feels so good after a hard days work to get clean and feel the hot water relax your body. Hehe I take two to three showers a day now. After that I cracked open Kushiel's Chosen. I can't wait to see where this book takes the story! It is such a good one and I know as soon as I start I wont be able to put it down.
When I felt it was time Buddy and I got in the car and headed out to Bunker Beach. (The park where we went on that long walk with Buddy and my Mom) We walked for a good twenty minutes till I found a good throwing area without any people. He made it through about 3 tosses before he lost interest. I think it is because he just did not feel well. He LOVED the walk though! So many new smells! We walked for what seemed like hours along winding paths through the woods. Both he and I were tired after we got back to the car ^^
When I got home buddy got his bath. With warm water I might add, did not want him to get cold. Hehe, after I finished he found all the energy in the world and started to run around in his frolicking pouncing run that he does. *smiles* I could not help but call out his theme song a few times.
Oh and there was cleaning of the house. Lots of cleaning.
Now it's time to relax, watch a movie (Mall Cop) and eat my "Whirled Peace" ice cream I so expertly chanced upon.
I can't wait till tomorrow! I called Face up and set time to hang out tomorrow after TKD. He is going to show me around Champlin and introduce me to all the people we saw at the party right after AT! New people is always a good thing.
One more big thing for tomorrow. I am going to the Anoka Collage here tomorrow to talk to a councilor and see if I can not get enrolled in a class or two. I talked to them and they said the chances are good. Looks like I will be a collage boy this semester after all :)
Life is so full of promise for the future.
When I got back home I relaxed in the shower for a good long time. It feels so good after a hard days work to get clean and feel the hot water relax your body. Hehe I take two to three showers a day now. After that I cracked open Kushiel's Chosen. I can't wait to see where this book takes the story! It is such a good one and I know as soon as I start I wont be able to put it down.
When I felt it was time Buddy and I got in the car and headed out to Bunker Beach. (The park where we went on that long walk with Buddy and my Mom) We walked for a good twenty minutes till I found a good throwing area without any people. He made it through about 3 tosses before he lost interest. I think it is because he just did not feel well. He LOVED the walk though! So many new smells! We walked for what seemed like hours along winding paths through the woods. Both he and I were tired after we got back to the car ^^
When I got home buddy got his bath. With warm water I might add, did not want him to get cold. Hehe, after I finished he found all the energy in the world and started to run around in his frolicking pouncing run that he does. *smiles* I could not help but call out his theme song a few times.
Oh and there was cleaning of the house. Lots of cleaning.
Now it's time to relax, watch a movie (Mall Cop) and eat my "Whirled Peace" ice cream I so expertly chanced upon.
I can't wait till tomorrow! I called Face up and set time to hang out tomorrow after TKD. He is going to show me around Champlin and introduce me to all the people we saw at the party right after AT! New people is always a good thing.
One more big thing for tomorrow. I am going to the Anoka Collage here tomorrow to talk to a councilor and see if I can not get enrolled in a class or two. I talked to them and they said the chances are good. Looks like I will be a collage boy this semester after all :)
Life is so full of promise for the future.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Family time
Same old same old as far as waking up today. Shower, walk Buddy, Eat, talk to mom, play with Buddy and then leave for work. It is the same as ever but I really think that routine is really helping me a lot in the morning. Five AM is not the best time for variety. Work went by fast today. I spent the day up on a lift and it is always a fun time driving those around.
I ended up going home for lunch. My brother left for school in South Dakota today and it was not easy for my mom. It was hard for me too. Over the last week we have come really far as brothers and I only see us getting closer in the future. I made it a point to be home when he left so she would have a shoulder to lean on. I was only able to be home for ten minutes but that was enough time to eat and say good bye. After getting back to work she sent me a text letting me know how important it was to here that I was there with her when Brad left.
After getting home I at some crackers and talked with my mom again. Since then I have been working out and running with buddy. He is doing much better in the week that we have been running. I am so happy for him and the fact that he is becoming more and more fit right along side me. It always helps to have a work out partner...mine just has a bit more hair than most.
I am also concerned about him. He is itching like mad and looks like he might start to be getting sick. When Debbie asked me about him last night and found out about this she recommended benadryle. I plan to get some tonight and do research to see how much I should give him. I also plan to give him a bath tonight in that oatmeal shampoo to see if that sooths his itching skin and if he is not looking better in the next few days I plan to take him into the vet.
As for tonight, I plan to spend it with my mother. Not only will it help her with Brad leaving but the relationship that is growing between us is amazing. I never thought this could happen. This is such a large slow down from the pace I have been keeping that I feel guilty about it. This new relationship with my mother however, is extremely important to me and it is hard to spend quality time with someone when you are antsy to get to the next thing. So tonight I am taking off. We are going to Chipotle for a quick bite then it is off to Blockbuster to pick out a movie for the night.
Oh and before I forget! I have been informed by Van that I am to accompany him and as many people as he can bring together to the Chatter Box pub some time in the very near future. More to come on that when he gets back from Atlanta.
Tonight will be a good one, I can feel it already.
I ended up going home for lunch. My brother left for school in South Dakota today and it was not easy for my mom. It was hard for me too. Over the last week we have come really far as brothers and I only see us getting closer in the future. I made it a point to be home when he left so she would have a shoulder to lean on. I was only able to be home for ten minutes but that was enough time to eat and say good bye. After getting back to work she sent me a text letting me know how important it was to here that I was there with her when Brad left.
After getting home I at some crackers and talked with my mom again. Since then I have been working out and running with buddy. He is doing much better in the week that we have been running. I am so happy for him and the fact that he is becoming more and more fit right along side me. It always helps to have a work out partner...mine just has a bit more hair than most.
I am also concerned about him. He is itching like mad and looks like he might start to be getting sick. When Debbie asked me about him last night and found out about this she recommended benadryle. I plan to get some tonight and do research to see how much I should give him. I also plan to give him a bath tonight in that oatmeal shampoo to see if that sooths his itching skin and if he is not looking better in the next few days I plan to take him into the vet.
As for tonight, I plan to spend it with my mother. Not only will it help her with Brad leaving but the relationship that is growing between us is amazing. I never thought this could happen. This is such a large slow down from the pace I have been keeping that I feel guilty about it. This new relationship with my mother however, is extremely important to me and it is hard to spend quality time with someone when you are antsy to get to the next thing. So tonight I am taking off. We are going to Chipotle for a quick bite then it is off to Blockbuster to pick out a movie for the night.
Oh and before I forget! I have been informed by Van that I am to accompany him and as many people as he can bring together to the Chatter Box pub some time in the very near future. More to come on that when he gets back from Atlanta.
Tonight will be a good one, I can feel it already.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Friday
Short and sweet.
I got to have lunch with my mother today. I am really grateful that I am getting another chance to see in her what I couldn't before. I never thought I would be able to be close with my parents again but it is happening. I am so very happy about that.
I got to see Kathrine dance tonight. I have been looking forward to it for so long and was not dissapointed. Keep it up! You are doing great!
I got to have lunch with my mother today. I am really grateful that I am getting another chance to see in her what I couldn't before. I never thought I would be able to be close with my parents again but it is happening. I am so very happy about that.
I got to see Kathrine dance tonight. I have been looking forward to it for so long and was not dissapointed. Keep it up! You are doing great!
Thursday, August 27, 2009
End to the weekend part 2
Well after my last post and my romp with Buddy I decided to take some relaxing time...kinda. I watched "The guild" until the end of the second season while reading the Anoka enrichment catalog. There are so many classes that I want to take that I decided for now to take some time to think about what to focus on. I am so busy that finding time this fall will be difficult but I know I will do it.
After relaxing I set up a dental appointment to get my teeth looked at. I snagged an early time of 8am for the appointment. The hoops I have to jump through for the military on this are ridiculous. Alas it needs to be done though.
That was about the time my Dad pushed the dinner back...I really thought he would cancel. Finding myself with more time I decided to continue to read my book (Game of Thrones). I also hung out with my brother a lot and that felt really good to start to get to know him again. He is a great guy.
Soon enough 6pm rolled around and I found myself with my brother at Famous Daves in Uptown. I can even begin to describe the empathy I have for my father. The man started on top of the world. He was a branch manager for Chemlawn and after that a route manager for G&K. At some point he started his own business and that went really well for him until he got a DUI and could not longer operate his business. When that happened all the money from his 401k that he had used to start it went down the hole. Shortly after he loses his wife. Imagine being together with someone for about 30 years and then that base of your life is ripped away. Then his kids move away. He loses his shitty job that he was at least making a little money at. When he lost the job the last of his friends disappeared. He is now alone in Minneapolis with nothing but the money he has from the selling of the house. His life fell through his fingers...He is so sad and depressed every day and misses his old life terribly. How do you wrap your mind around a new reality like that and to know that more than likely there will be no second chance at Love, Money or even a cohesive family. His life for all intensive purposes is over. It tears at my heart to think about.
We did talk while we were with him about many things but one thing that hurt to bring up for me was Debbie and your Grandmother. I told him how they think losing out on those semesters of school were my choice and that since the army provided these benefits that they would obviously support anyone who wanted to use them. It hurts so much to hear that from them. The army is a service that I raised my hand an volunteered for. I have sacrificed so much in the service of my country and it hurts to think that goes un-noticed. For them to think that I dropped out of class because I did not like it hurts so much. Not only does my sacrifice go un-noticed but it is misinterpreted as an act of laziness and incompetence. I wanted to help them understand so badly but I think nothing I said got through. They have been judging me for so long without ever coming to me to clarify anything that I am not sure there is anything I could say. It makes the sacrifice almost unbearable.
***************************************EDIT*****************************************
I wanted to delete everything below this but I think it is important that this moment of weakness is not forgotten. That it is part of the story of my life. So here it will remain.
The pain of that, seeing my father like he is and most imposing the withdrawals from Kathrine make everything so hard. I just want the pain to stop. Yesterday I was alright for most of the day and I think it was because I was so damn busy. I thought to myself "You can do this! The life you will get will be worth it!" I still believe that but it does not lessen the pain any. Now night comes and I am left to torture myself with my own thoughts. I need the feeling the my heart is missing to go away...and I know it wont. Not any time soon at least. I don't think it will go away until the day comes when I can hold you in my arms again without fear. I know the order of things and how and why they need to unfold for us to be together in the long run. I really do. But this pain will not end until we can embrace and whisper to each other that we love each other. We don't even need to be dating. I understand that it is important for us to build what we will have in the future from the ground up and that dating again is the way to do that.
But I love you now, I have loved you for the past two years and I will love you as we go thru this. We can build our life together again but we can't start over with love again. I don't think It is possible. From our first date together some time in the future I will love you just as fiercely as I ever have. Even now as we stay separated for the most part there is love between us. I know we can make this less painful if we don't try and hide it. That we recognise the need to be apart now but that we love each other dearly. Whether we say it or not it is there. I think most of the pain is coming from not being able to admit it. I don't think voicing a feeling you have anyway will change anything either. Whether you say it or not it is still there. Do we have to go the route of pain? We can do this without that right? Have that love but be apart and grow at the same time? It makes sense to me. It would make me gleeful for this time we have before we meet again in the future if the love was vocalized. But right now it is not and it is hidden away...it makes this road so hard to walk in that uncertain shadow.
Let me know what you think. I love you and I refuse to hide it. I promise not to interfere with your growth and your time alone right now but I love you and I can't keep feeling this pain by hiding it. I hope you feel the same way on this. And that it makes sense to you as well.
After relaxing I set up a dental appointment to get my teeth looked at. I snagged an early time of 8am for the appointment. The hoops I have to jump through for the military on this are ridiculous. Alas it needs to be done though.
That was about the time my Dad pushed the dinner back...I really thought he would cancel. Finding myself with more time I decided to continue to read my book (Game of Thrones). I also hung out with my brother a lot and that felt really good to start to get to know him again. He is a great guy.
Soon enough 6pm rolled around and I found myself with my brother at Famous Daves in Uptown. I can even begin to describe the empathy I have for my father. The man started on top of the world. He was a branch manager for Chemlawn and after that a route manager for G&K. At some point he started his own business and that went really well for him until he got a DUI and could not longer operate his business. When that happened all the money from his 401k that he had used to start it went down the hole. Shortly after he loses his wife. Imagine being together with someone for about 30 years and then that base of your life is ripped away. Then his kids move away. He loses his shitty job that he was at least making a little money at. When he lost the job the last of his friends disappeared. He is now alone in Minneapolis with nothing but the money he has from the selling of the house. His life fell through his fingers...He is so sad and depressed every day and misses his old life terribly. How do you wrap your mind around a new reality like that and to know that more than likely there will be no second chance at Love, Money or even a cohesive family. His life for all intensive purposes is over. It tears at my heart to think about.
We did talk while we were with him about many things but one thing that hurt to bring up for me was Debbie and your Grandmother. I told him how they think losing out on those semesters of school were my choice and that since the army provided these benefits that they would obviously support anyone who wanted to use them. It hurts so much to hear that from them. The army is a service that I raised my hand an volunteered for. I have sacrificed so much in the service of my country and it hurts to think that goes un-noticed. For them to think that I dropped out of class because I did not like it hurts so much. Not only does my sacrifice go un-noticed but it is misinterpreted as an act of laziness and incompetence. I wanted to help them understand so badly but I think nothing I said got through. They have been judging me for so long without ever coming to me to clarify anything that I am not sure there is anything I could say. It makes the sacrifice almost unbearable.
***************************************EDIT*****************************************
I wanted to delete everything below this but I think it is important that this moment of weakness is not forgotten. That it is part of the story of my life. So here it will remain.
The pain of that, seeing my father like he is and most imposing the withdrawals from Kathrine make everything so hard. I just want the pain to stop. Yesterday I was alright for most of the day and I think it was because I was so damn busy. I thought to myself "You can do this! The life you will get will be worth it!" I still believe that but it does not lessen the pain any. Now night comes and I am left to torture myself with my own thoughts. I need the feeling the my heart is missing to go away...and I know it wont. Not any time soon at least. I don't think it will go away until the day comes when I can hold you in my arms again without fear. I know the order of things and how and why they need to unfold for us to be together in the long run. I really do. But this pain will not end until we can embrace and whisper to each other that we love each other. We don't even need to be dating. I understand that it is important for us to build what we will have in the future from the ground up and that dating again is the way to do that.
But I love you now, I have loved you for the past two years and I will love you as we go thru this. We can build our life together again but we can't start over with love again. I don't think It is possible. From our first date together some time in the future I will love you just as fiercely as I ever have. Even now as we stay separated for the most part there is love between us. I know we can make this less painful if we don't try and hide it. That we recognise the need to be apart now but that we love each other dearly. Whether we say it or not it is there. I think most of the pain is coming from not being able to admit it. I don't think voicing a feeling you have anyway will change anything either. Whether you say it or not it is still there. Do we have to go the route of pain? We can do this without that right? Have that love but be apart and grow at the same time? It makes sense to me. It would make me gleeful for this time we have before we meet again in the future if the love was vocalized. But right now it is not and it is hidden away...it makes this road so hard to walk in that uncertain shadow.
Let me know what you think. I love you and I refuse to hide it. I promise not to interfere with your growth and your time alone right now but I love you and I can't keep feeling this pain by hiding it. I hope you feel the same way on this. And that it makes sense to you as well.
End to the weekend
I got a call back this morning around 8am from my VA claim rep. He informed me that he would be in the office all day today and that he would be glad to take care of my medical files. Thinking to my self that there is no time like the present I drove out there and met with him. While copying my files we talked about the rest of the process. Apparently here in about the next two weeks I will have an appointment to get my back and arm looked at. After those are complete all that is left is the final evaluation and rating of my file. The outcome looks promising. With any luck by the end of September this will be completely taken care of.
When the meeting was done I realized I was right next to the VA medical center. I decided it was time to start addressing my PTSD issues and to stop trying to power through it. I want desperately to do this with Kathrine but that is just not an option right now and this can't wait.
As I write this I am thinking about what I saw Kathrine post. I know I am doing too much right now and that there is no way I should keep this pace up. I feel though that this is the most important time in my life. All the bad habits I have developed need to be striped away. I feel the only way to do that is to follow this new found drive I have to the fullest for as long as I can. I am mentally tough and know I can keep this up long enough to develop these things into habits and then I will settle into my new way of thinking for the long run. It takes about 21 days to develop a habit or to break one. I know I can do this. The drive that fills me to become the man I know I am gives me the strength and the eagerness to go on. However there is another perhaps even more powerful reason that drives me. It is the pain of losing Kathrine and the guilt knowing I had so much to do with it. That pain drives me to take my life and to make my life everything I have ever dreamed it could be. When I am on my death bed and look back I will smile knowing that I lived my life the way I wanted to live it and never settled for anything other than the best I could be.
I started making these changes around the 12th or the 13th when I realized what I knew my future needed to become. It is now the 27th. Being at it for 15 days at this break neck pace has worn me out. But the 21 day mark becomes ever closer with every hour. While there is no way I can say that I am the person I want to be for the rest of my life after 21 days I do believe it to be a critical hump. Everything after that is just cementing what I have started and after around 50-60 days that it will become second nature. Even then I will not have reached the pinnacle of my development for becoming who I know I am but I think it is the most important time in the development. Never should anyone ever stop growing nor will I. In the end this hard charge will net me the basic foundation I need to become the man I want and know I am for the rest of my life.
Well, off to play with buddy. I will post more tonight^^
When the meeting was done I realized I was right next to the VA medical center. I decided it was time to start addressing my PTSD issues and to stop trying to power through it. I want desperately to do this with Kathrine but that is just not an option right now and this can't wait.
As I write this I am thinking about what I saw Kathrine post. I know I am doing too much right now and that there is no way I should keep this pace up. I feel though that this is the most important time in my life. All the bad habits I have developed need to be striped away. I feel the only way to do that is to follow this new found drive I have to the fullest for as long as I can. I am mentally tough and know I can keep this up long enough to develop these things into habits and then I will settle into my new way of thinking for the long run. It takes about 21 days to develop a habit or to break one. I know I can do this. The drive that fills me to become the man I know I am gives me the strength and the eagerness to go on. However there is another perhaps even more powerful reason that drives me. It is the pain of losing Kathrine and the guilt knowing I had so much to do with it. That pain drives me to take my life and to make my life everything I have ever dreamed it could be. When I am on my death bed and look back I will smile knowing that I lived my life the way I wanted to live it and never settled for anything other than the best I could be.
I started making these changes around the 12th or the 13th when I realized what I knew my future needed to become. It is now the 27th. Being at it for 15 days at this break neck pace has worn me out. But the 21 day mark becomes ever closer with every hour. While there is no way I can say that I am the person I want to be for the rest of my life after 21 days I do believe it to be a critical hump. Everything after that is just cementing what I have started and after around 50-60 days that it will become second nature. Even then I will not have reached the pinnacle of my development for becoming who I know I am but I think it is the most important time in the development. Never should anyone ever stop growing nor will I. In the end this hard charge will net me the basic foundation I need to become the man I want and know I am for the rest of my life.
Well, off to play with buddy. I will post more tonight^^
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
End to a good day
Today felt good. Woke up around seven and hung out with the family until they needed to leave. I feel the events of the past weeks have helped me with my family. I have opened up to them and asked their support. They have all been more than willing to help keep me standing. My mother was especially helpful. I never thought I would truly have a good relationship with anyone in my family due to what it was like growing up. I am happy that we have all changed for the better and that we are starting to grow closer.
Let's see, after they left I took buddy on a nice long walk when I dropped my car off to get its' oil changed.
Getting this blog set up was fun and I think it will really help. I can see it helping me with stress but more importantly I think it will be a good tool to help keep me on track.
As far as money goes I have horrid luck with the renters rebate. I am going to miss $900 for 2 months because Perter decided to enter and obviously fabricated phone number for the landlord (952-000-0000). Could he not take the 5 minutes to call me or even make one up that was a bit more realistic? The VA has been another issue. I showed up yesterday to get my representative the files he needed at the time he told me to be there only to find that he had left. It was my entire medical history and I did not want to leave it with some random clerk so the drive out there turned out to be almost pointless. I called him early today and left a message...he has yet to get back to me. I just want this done. This is such a big stress in my life right now and I feel I am doing all I can but I am sure the hoops I have to jump thru are not coming to an end in the near future. The best guess I have right now is that it will be taken care of by the middle to end of September and that is only with my constant poking. I wont give up though. This is important and needs to be taken care of. But I can say I did get a deposit made at Wells Fargo today. My debt is almost half gone. Just a bit more and it will be nothing but a memory. Grrr, I still cant believe I have spent most of my mid day trying to track that rebate down! I had so much I wanted to do with that time!
Let's see, I have little over an hour before I leave for Tae Kwon Do so I think I will knock out some chapters in my book and take buddy on a run. I am sure TKD will go as it always does. I just have to be careful not to push myself too hard like I did when I started and injure myself again.
Right after TKD I have been invited for a beer with Katlynn. I hope she turns into a friend...it is always so hard to tell at the beginning how things will end up. Like the old room mate. Easy to deal with in short periods but maddening in the long run.
After that I am off to spend the night with Andrew. As always a good friend. Some pillars just wont ever break and I think he is one of them. Kathrine you are also a pillar of strength for me the strongest I have ever known. At every turn you have supported and encouraged me to be something better and to reach for my dreams. I know that now matter where our growth takes us that we will always be the best of friends.
All in all I wont get everything I wanted to get done today but maybe I had just set myself up for failure by piling so much on at once. However I will never get where I need to be if I don't push myself.
A good day is nearing its' end. I don't feel bad though. This is just the beginning and there will be many more like it.
Let's see, after they left I took buddy on a nice long walk when I dropped my car off to get its' oil changed.
Getting this blog set up was fun and I think it will really help. I can see it helping me with stress but more importantly I think it will be a good tool to help keep me on track.
As far as money goes I have horrid luck with the renters rebate. I am going to miss $900 for 2 months because Perter decided to enter and obviously fabricated phone number for the landlord (952-000-0000). Could he not take the 5 minutes to call me or even make one up that was a bit more realistic? The VA has been another issue. I showed up yesterday to get my representative the files he needed at the time he told me to be there only to find that he had left. It was my entire medical history and I did not want to leave it with some random clerk so the drive out there turned out to be almost pointless. I called him early today and left a message...he has yet to get back to me. I just want this done. This is such a big stress in my life right now and I feel I am doing all I can but I am sure the hoops I have to jump thru are not coming to an end in the near future. The best guess I have right now is that it will be taken care of by the middle to end of September and that is only with my constant poking. I wont give up though. This is important and needs to be taken care of. But I can say I did get a deposit made at Wells Fargo today. My debt is almost half gone. Just a bit more and it will be nothing but a memory. Grrr, I still cant believe I have spent most of my mid day trying to track that rebate down! I had so much I wanted to do with that time!
Let's see, I have little over an hour before I leave for Tae Kwon Do so I think I will knock out some chapters in my book and take buddy on a run. I am sure TKD will go as it always does. I just have to be careful not to push myself too hard like I did when I started and injure myself again.
Right after TKD I have been invited for a beer with Katlynn. I hope she turns into a friend...it is always so hard to tell at the beginning how things will end up. Like the old room mate. Easy to deal with in short periods but maddening in the long run.
After that I am off to spend the night with Andrew. As always a good friend. Some pillars just wont ever break and I think he is one of them. Kathrine you are also a pillar of strength for me the strongest I have ever known. At every turn you have supported and encouraged me to be something better and to reach for my dreams. I know that now matter where our growth takes us that we will always be the best of friends.
All in all I wont get everything I wanted to get done today but maybe I had just set myself up for failure by piling so much on at once. However I will never get where I need to be if I don't push myself.
A good day is nearing its' end. I don't feel bad though. This is just the beginning and there will be many more like it.
The transformation begins.
For so long I had been fearing this. My lover, my best friend, my better half, my strongest support, my joy, my life...lol and yes more often then not my short term memory has been removed from the equation. If you were to tell anyone on the planet these things will be no longer available to you shortly I believe their reaction would be similar to mine. Panic, fear and confusion have racked my life for the past two and a half weeks. It no longer does. While the void that is in my life right now will not simply go away and nor should it but the violent throws of pain that came with removing that major part of my life no longer cripple my day to day life. I no longer count the seconds as hours wondering to myself "Is life even worth continuing any longer?". The answer is yes. For so long I have shown the love of my life, my family and myself, a good man that has made lazy and inappropriate decisions. Most pain I feel daily stems from the guilt that I have not been true to myself. I feel I have let myself down more than anything else. I cannot and will not stand for that. Those choices are not "me". Those choices do not reflect who I am as a lover, a provider and as a man. The events of the past weeks have ripped my out of a day to day cycle that I have been living for far too long. While the bad has been removed...the good has also dissapeared. It hurts so very much but it needed to happen. To build myself and the relationship that I want every trace of what was must be removed and construction must begin anew. I am not saying that this needs to lead me in a different direction because there need to be goals to construction. Without goals construction is pointless. My goals are to grow into the man I want and need to be to find happiness within myself. I also want to build my "dream" relationship. These are my goals and I have been spurred on and motivated to achieve them like I have never before been in my life. I feel super human, I feel like I can and will take on the world to make it my own. I am going to make my life everything I have ever dreamed. These things start today. I have plans to bring my debt under control, I will begin saving for my future that I know will be full of love, I will revive friendships that I let fade to the background, I will explore new friendships, I will pursue my physical and mental fitness, I am going to be taking enrichment classes to better myself, I will begin to research and prepare for school in the spring, I will nurture my creative side to grow and expand by taking up drawing and guitar again, I am going to start volunteering, I am going to repair relationships with my family, I am going to stop taking buddy for granted and give him the life I know he deserves to the best of my ability right now, I am going to be learning either Japanese or aribic when I have the money to purchase Rosetta Stone, I am going to buy more clothes to properly reflect my maturity level not my sexual appeal though clothes of that nature will be bought anyway...good for the self esteem, I am going to read all the books I have been putting off and in every facet of my life down to the smallest detail I will always be asking myself "Is this action supporting who you are as a person?".
The construction begins today and I am going to build something beautiful.
The construction begins today and I am going to build something beautiful.
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